Shit On a Stick Eyes Berkeley’s Telegraph

Posted in Telegraph Avenue, The Berkeley Scene on October 1st, 2012 by admin – Be the first to comment

by Freed T. Steed
Sept. 30, 2012

Berkeley Ca

A ROSE WOULD SMELL AS SWEET

First there was granola by the bowl, then ice-cream sandwiches, grilled cheese, and donut holes. These are some recent food fancies on Telegraph. What’s next, shit on a stick?

Could be.

A Canadian company with several Shit on a Stick ™ stores in east-coast college towns has been trying to rent a store on Telegraph, according to an avenue source close to the story.

Rumored location for the shit-shop is the burned-out Intermezzo site, which reportedly will not re-open anytime soon as Intermezzo.

One Shit on a Stick coming up.

A spokesman for the company, Tasty Treets, Inc., based in Dildo, Newfoundland told the Planet that a company-owned patented process, “Stink-Out,” takes the stink out. “When we’ve processed our treat, it comes out tasting like French Toast, covered in syrup and sugar,” the spokesman added.

On a stick, of course.

SOS’ motto: “It’s not what you think.”

“We can’t be more specific, but our process is similar to desalination,” the spokesman said. Desalination makes sea water safe to drink.

“We’re working on a product now that will put us on the novelty foods map. It will be a small batch beer, tentatively named Pee Spree.™ We have the technology to disguise the taste of anything.”

“What about Broccoli?” we asked.

“We’ve kicked that idea around,” said the spokesman, Steve Freed. “We’re trying to get the broccoli to taste like Kentucky Fried.”

We stationed ourselves outside the Melt (toasted cheese sandwiches on Teley), to poll students’ response to the latest Teley treat.

“Oh…my…god,” said Amy, a junior. “Wait till I tell my friends.”

“Will it succeed?” I asked.

“Oh, for sure,” said the perky junior.

Tod, a freshman, said, “Sick!, adding, “I’m down.”

An assignment editor for the Daily Californian said, “Bring it on. We’ll put it on page one.”

Crowds flock to Shit on a Stick.

According to Roland Peterson, executive director of Teley Property owners, (TBID), We’ve discussed bringing more colorful, or novelty foods to the avenue.”

“Wouldn’t that turn the street into a carnival mid-way? we asked.

“Carnival food sells like hotcakes,” Peterson said.

Can you believe we're waiting for our Shit on a Stick.

Peterson and I preceded to brainstorm products we’d like to see on Teley. Mack Attack™ (Macaroni & Cheese), Toots (baked beans ‘n bacon), Great Balls of Fire™ (flame-grilled meat balls), and the Mash™ (mashed potatoes and gravy).

Median price of the novelty foods, $7.95.


We gave our editor at the Berkeley Daily Planet a chance at this, but she declined, noting Berkeley Reporter’s “adolescent behavior.” Small price for being twelve again.